Mai Week 15: I Can't Be Wrong. Right?
I Can't Be Wrong. Right?
Memory is obsessive.
It lays seeds of desire and warmth in the soul then cultivates it with spontaneous revivals and unwilling associations until it takes root in the chest, intertwining with your heartstrings as it steals the very breath from your lungs. There are times when we don’t even see the wondrous ways that memories chain us, manifest in us, and bind us to their will. We are pushed and pulled like the strings of senseless twine, drawn to what is familiar, what is constant, and what is protected like a vital organ in the ribs. And once the seed has taken root, no amount of toxins or uprooting of conscious awareness can scratch its hold on us.
We remember things so differently than other people do and memory is so powerful in shaping our ambitions and dreams.
Recently, I had a conversation with my mom about school. We often discuss our different memories of school whenever I am complaining about how much work I have to do. The conversation went a little something like this. Note: This is in a humorous context.
“Mooom, I’m so tired! School is so much!”
“Trời ơi Mai! You’re so dramatic just think about having to go to work every day.”
“Ama, you don’t understand, you don’t know what it is like to be a teenager in this day and age.”
“Oh my gosh, Mai ơi, I know more about being a teen than you do.”
“It’s different now and you were like born at 50.”
End scene.
I find it interesting to see how her perspective of highschool differs from my own and influences the way that she perceives my experience. There is no question that there has been grade inflation since our parents were our age, and at some level, I think that they understand that it is a lot of work that we are dealing with, but to my mom, I will always have a certain level of privilege.
“Mai, you know you are pretty privileged to go to school in one district for all 12 years. When I was in school, I had to move at least seven times. I had no time to even worry about school. You should try to relax.”
“I know Mom, but I can’t relax!”
End scene.
We have a tendency as people to stick to our own interpretation of what we know and our own skewed memories are so powerful in shaping the way we see the world. It can almost be unsettling to think that an opinion that we are so confident in is actually wrong. And it is scary to think about how adamant people can be about something they “remember” and refuse to accept the possibility that they have made a mistake. The number of times I was so sure I locked the doors, only to get confused with the past night is frightening.
It is a fear that I have to be so convinced, yet so wrong.
Mai, your blog reminded me of me and my dad. He always complained to me about how he had to hitch a ride on somebody's bike to school or had to jump on the bus while I have the luxury of cars. He would complain about how I get new shoes more often than he ever did and how he had to beg his parents for a simple pair of slippers. He also complained about how when he ate, he didn't have the luxury of having multiple dishes like I do. However, you would think he hated growing up like this but I think these memories are actually fond of him to think about. I don't think he would want a different childhood because these memories build the foundation.
ReplyDeleteHi Mai. I loved the creative formatting of your blog and the storytelling aspect of the second paragraph. I was captivated by your descriptions of the formation of memory. I resonate with the issue you introduced, that people often project, or push on their own biases onto others. People should hold more humility when others talk about their experiences, however, it is nearly impossible to remain 100% objective, especially when it is a topic that they are passionate about. I wonder what made you choose the crumbling heart for your image. It is frightening to know how unreliable human memory is, especially since it is something that we depend on heavily. We use it for evidence in court, to retrieve examples when writing our argument essays, and even to pull from it in our daily lives. People’s memories are unreliable, and my solution is to not be so dependent on it. The only way to make it less frightening is to lose one’s dependence on it. If you’re afraid you did lock the door, you can always remind yourself to take a picture of the lock. That way you can check your photos to see if you locked it later on in your day. I hope that helps ease your mind in the future. Please tell me if the solution works. As always, it was lovely to read your blog. Thank you for writing, Mai.
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