Mai Week 14: Onward Into Oblivion
Onward Into Oblivion
Memories are a funky thing.
I feel like as we have come back from spring break and AP tests loom closer, I have been swamped with so much work that I don’t even realize how many days go by. All I think about is getting to the end of the day and chipping away at my homework.
But recently, I received an email.
It wasn’t anything particularly special, in fact, it was rather banal.
This was the beginning of the email:
Hi Eagles, With the 2024-2025 school year approaching soon, it is time to select which clubs will be representing the community at American for next year…
As soon as I read the first line my heart got all fluttery and my chest got tight.
2024-2025 school year.
2025 school year.
2025.
Our graduation year.
I almost didn’t realize that it had come so quickly! It feels like just yesterday (I remember it vividly) that I walked into my first-period health class and sat in the third row from the right, two desks from the front and stared with wide, hopeful, freshmen eyes at the bright neon pictures on the google slides surrounding one word I’m sure we are all familiar with: Icebreakers!
I remember thinking, staring at that screen, “Wow! I’m actually here! I’m in high school! I should remember this and think about it when I graduate. I wonder how I’ll be different?”
But I don’t remember the rest of the day after that, or better yet, I can hardly remember the order of my classes. The number of times that people tell me that we had a class together that year but I don’t remember is a little troubling. But even the next year is blurry. All I remember of sophomore year is it being much easier than junior and freshman with a few tidbits of events that I can rebuild in my brain. I can remember feelings, flashes of smiling faces, conversations but not words, and blurry recollections that hardly feel real now.
As we approach our senior year and all its stresses and successes, I can’t help but feel remorse at not being able to remember more from my high school experience. Consciously, I know I did a lot. I tried hard to participate in clubs, put myself out there, and stay on top of my studies. But with all my ambitions, I seem to have forgotten to actually savor the experience.
I remember only small moments during the past three years when I just stopped and took a breath while I looked out the window, or at friends during a get-together, or when I was studying, or when I was back in health class when everything felt so real.
Now I haven’t even made it to senior year and I am already contemplating the past. Those fuzzy times in my heart now feel so far and lost. And the only thing that feels real and solid is the fleeting present.
Hey Mai! I definitely agree with your feelings with our graduation year coming so soon! I recently had been thinking about my future which got me to feel so scared. I felt shocked. It was truly scary thinking that we will be going to college and living our lives so soon. My personal memories of the past two years have also come to a blur. I cannot have a direct and clear memory of it. Yet i remember specific moments that have greatly been so memorable to me. Like last year, I remember trying out for guard for the first time! I remember being so worried that I would not get in. Now, I am worried about the up coming guard try-outs because I am applying to become a captain for guard. I like how with some memories of the past have allowed us to be able to show that we ourselves have shown development. Though the future is so near for us, I am quite excited to see who I will become. My memories have guided me to become the person I am today, so I wonder what my future will be. Thank you for sharing your blog!
ReplyDeleteHi Mai, I definitely agree with your take. Highschool, despite being a miserable experience at times, still somehow flew by. I also remember being a freshmen and thinking "Wow! I'm gonna be a senior one day and graduate". Now, I'm about two months away from being a senior in highschool. We will be the oldest people in highschool. When people talk about Senior Ditch Day or Senior Assassin or graduation, it's going to be related to me somehow. I feel like now, I just try to get as much work done everyday as possible without really thinking about next year. It is crazy to think how far we've all come. I still find it hard to believe I'm a junior. This was the grade level I've been dreading since my sister was one. Now she's already graduated from college. Overall, your blog made me reflect on my own life and I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteHello Mai! First off, I'm going to tell you that I'm right there with you. This feeling of time going by too fast and regret of not having done something that I should have done in the past. Or even regretting the way I said something or the way I did something or putting too much emphasis on being the best that I can be that I totally forgot to just be myself and let myself life. I feel you. I'm here with you. It's like this feeling of senioritis but I'm not even there yet. I find myself doing that a lot, so recently I've been pouring all of these life lessons and advice into the ears of my assistant stage manager who is still a sophomore. I tell her everything that I wish I knew when I was her age, even though it was just a year ago. I resonate with you when you say that with AP Exams nearing all you can think about is work. Isn't that so sad? The teenage years are supposed to contain the richness of your life. Because, what's there to rejoice in the years to come? The boring office job we're going to have? The paperwork and taxes we're going to have to file? Or the house payments we're going to have to fulfill. Meanwhile, we (students in general) were out here slaving away and trying to compete not only with one another but with ourselves to see if we could stay on top of everything and be the best and come out as number one in the rat race of school and college admissions. It is really frightening. But there's a bright side to all this...we're not there yet. We're not seniors yet. The blossom of our teenage years is still in full bloom and it's not about to wither any time soon. We can change things. Of course we're still going to have the urge to do our best and we should continue that (i'm not saying we should slack off on work), but we can learn to live in the moment for every moment we have. I'm trying hard right now to focus on me writing this blog comment. What the room looks like, what I feel, what I read in your blog. Your blog served as a wake up call to me and I appreciate it so much. I think i'm going to call my mom after writing this blog. Breathe, and we got this. We can do it. We can do it all. It's all going to turn out great, we just can't forget to savor what's in front of us before we start cleaning the dishes.
ReplyDeleteHi Mai.I love the way you described this memory. While I read this, it felt like I was experiencing all of this with you. The way you went through your thoughts, the realization of how the year 2025 is fast approaching had me adopt the same way of thinking. I can not believe that we are soon going to be stressing over college applications, and it will probably be all we can think about soon. Before when I thought about college, it seemed like this far away, intangible idea. Now it will soon be my reality. It was interesting to look into how your thought process. Reading how you revisited past memories also had me remember my first thoughts about high school. Everything of how I thought high school was going to be like were all wrong. The difficulty, the friends, the classes, everything of how I thought my high school like was going to play out, never followed the script I had made. Honestly, I prefer it like that. Everything that has happened was all a surprise to me. My life right now has unfolded in a way where what I originally expected to go can not compare to my current reality. Thank you for writing, it was lovely to get to understand more about you.
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