Mai Week 13: The Fragility of MEmory
The Fragility of MEmory
Memory. What a beautiful thing.
We are our memories. From remembering our families to remembering our own names to remembering how to breathe. It is a little strange to consider how much we truly rely on our memory. And how strange and debilitating it can be to lose it.
One of my dad’s biggest fears is dementia or Alzheimer's disease. That immobilizing idea of a slow, and gradual decline, where you are no longer able to recognize your family and, eventually, yourself.
The fear I have of memory loss stems from the intimacy I have with my own mind. I believe that, for the most part, we are our greatest companion, our own lifelong company. To lose the ability to recognize myself in the mirror or myself in my own thoughts would be akin to the death of a loved one and the birth of a new type of living, one in which I am completely alone.
When I try to create an image of what Dementia looks like in my mind, I imagine a quiet room with no lights. Just myself standing in this empty space with no idea what I am doing or where I came from. Absolute isolation.
When we think about death in old age or sudden accidents, there is an accepted reconciliation phase that people go through which has been coined as the idea of “your life flashing before your eyes.” Many people with near-death experiences have detailed an almost out-of-body feeling when their brain rapidly recounts the memories of their lives.
But people with dementia do not have that. The best of them is lost. Now they are sick, scared, and alone. I wonder, as demoralizing as it may be, what it is like to have dementia and how it changes your perspective on life.
Do you feel sad and lost up till the very end, floundering through life trying to find comfort when there is none, or do you eventually feel a sense of peace, like you are seeing the world for the very first time, reigniting that unbridled novelty of youth.
But it's still scary. And sad. Particularly for the family members who have to care for people with dementia. What do you do when someone you love, no longer knows who you are. Their memories, their experiences, and their feelings for you are lost. Now you are alone in your memories once shared.
I worry that in the future my parents or loved ones will suffer from memory loss (my dad’s side is predisposed) and my dad has already (jokingly, I think) said that if he ever got dementia he would rather die than decline.
Which also begs the question. At what point are you gone? Often before people die they can be gone. This is especially evident with dementia and Alzheimer’s. I wonder at what point, as memory and concept of self decline, will I be gone as well.
At that point, would I want to continue?
Mai, your analysis and portrayal of memory was truly beautiful. Memory makes up who we are as people. Without memory, we are not the people we are today. Memories build us up just like our cells. Memories are who we are. Memory is a beautiful part of humans that could simply not be replaced. The concept of it is truly breathtaking and pondering about the loss of such a core aspect of life is scary at times. I can't imagine ever losing my memory. The scene from Coco where Mama Coco nearly forgets her family scared me as a kid. I think it accurately portrays just how essential memory is in our lives. Overall, your blog was insightful and interesting.
ReplyDeleteHello Mai! Your blog was an extremely captivating read. My grandfathers from dementia and it is very heartbreaking to talk to him with him having little to no memory of who I am. Similar to you, my parents also fear dementia. The way we remember and memorize people, places, and things all affect our perception of one another and ourselves. Contrastly, I think understanding dementia is interesting, how is that those affected forget their memories but often remember things like languages and how society functions. It's almost as if they know all about the way the world works with no recollection of the people that fill it. I agree with Phyo in that the way memory works is truly breathtaking. Overall, the way you conveyed the question of the meaning of living life without memories being worth it or not made me reflect on the importance of them and how they play such a fundamental part in shaping our identities. In my opinion, no one is ever truly "gone." I think everyone remains somewhere in some mental form, whether its in the minds of others or with their lifetime impact-whether positive or negative. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Mai. Your dad's dear of getting dementia or Alzheimer's made me realize how much we take memory for granted. You blog made me remember the question, ""who would you be without your memories?" If I did not remember my past experiences with people, would I still be me? If me and my best friend just met each other today, would we be as close? I love to think of memory as our personal history book, and the forgotten gaps in our memories are the ripped out pages. Your dad's believe that if we can not live life to the fullest, there is no point, is one that I also believe. And your question of how once you start to decline, will you "be gone as well." I guess this goes with the idea of nature (our raw personalities) verses nurture (our memories), and how they influences who we are. Like many things, I personally think it has equal play in who we are, but it just proves how important our memories are. Thank you for writing.
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